A GUIDE TO MANNERS FOR LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
Entertaining At Home
Table Etiquette
Afternoon Tea

Did you ever wonder where the word etiquitte comes from and what does it mean?

Mrs. Price Post (popularly known as Emily Post) spent much of her adult life helping people learn to live in harmony with one another. That is what etiquette really is. It is knowing the rules and being able to apply them appropriately with concern for the other person. A simple way of putting it is “We do the right thing for the right reason”. Learn to do the right thing at the right time for the right reason. This recognizes that there are circumstances that impact what is right in a particular situation. In order to be able to do this, we must 1) know the rules, 2) assess the situation and 3) do the right thing. Therefore, we don’t bend the rules we apply them correctly.
WHAT IS ETIQUETTE? MANNERS? RULES AND LAWS? PROTOCOL?
The following definitions from Webster (1962) show the progress of these terms. It could be argued that they are all the same thing varying only in degree.
• Etiquette: from the French meaning a “ticket” or “label”. The forms, manners and ceremonies established by convention as acceptable. (It just isn’t done.)• Manners: ways of social behavior especially with reference to polite convention.o Polite: Polished, cultured, refined. • Rules: fixed principles that determine conduct; habit custom• Customs: usual practice established by usage. Such usage as by common consent and long established uniform practice has taken on the force of law. • Laws: the rules of conduct established and enforced by the government authority Protocol: the ceremonial forms and courtesies that are established as proper and correct courtesies that are established as proper and correct in official interaction between heads of state. (Thus Protocol is etiquette on an official or international scale.)
It is interesting to see Emily Post’s description of the word “etiquette”in her own words from Etiquette “The Blue Book of Social Usage” by Emily Post (1928 edition).
To the French we owe the word etiquette, and, according to one of the many legends on the subject, it is amusing to discover its origin in the commonplace familiar warning—“Keep off the grass!” One story, which is as good as any other, runs as follows: It happened in the reign of a great French King, when certain magnificent gardens were being laid out, that the master gardener, an old Scotsman, was sorely tried because his newly seeded lawns were continually trampled upon. To keep trespassers off, he put up warning signs or “tickets”---etiquettes—on which was indicated the path along which to pass. But the courtiers paid no attention to these directions and so that the determined Scot complained to the King in such a convincing manner that His Majesty issued an edict commanding everyone at Court to “keep within the etiquettes.” Gradually, the term came to cover all the rules for correct demeanor and deportment in court circles; and thus through the centuries it has grown into use to describe the convention sanctioned for the purpose of smoothing personal contacts and developing tact and good manners in social interaction.
The following bullet points used for emphasis are taken from the first edition of Emily Post's Blue Book of Social Usage (published in 1922). Manners are made up of trivialities of deportment which can be easily learned if one does not happen to know them; manner is personality—the outward manifestation of one’s innate character and attitude toward life…Etiquette must, if it is to be of more than trifling use, include ethics as well as manners. Certainly what one is, is of far greater importance than what one appears to be.
The essential ingredient that is often over looked is that to apply the rules properly in every case, requires work to understand the situation and the people in the situation. This takes real work! Just to know the rules and use them regardless of the situation or with disregard to those who might be hurt by the strict adherence to the rules….IS NOT ETIQUETTE! It is arrogance and hurtful. For example, if you are sitting at a table and the person next to you has mistakenly taken your bread and butter plate or your glass or your napkin, you must determine the most unobtrusive and graceful way to handle the situation…even if this calls upon you to look like the mistaken one. Your role as a Lady is to figure it out, take the lead and move on with grace. However, as you see, one must know the rules in order to apply them. They are not complicated nor are they difficult to learn. It is well worth the effort.

MAKING A HOME


 It will be rare for you to have the prefect proportions in each room to accommodate the recommended placement of furniture to obtain the optimal clearance. Thus, you will have to apply the recommendations as best you can. You may find that you can remove some pieces of furniture if you are expecting guests in order to have more room. Or conversely, you may have to bunch the furniture up temporarily to accommodate the situation. Major traffic areas 4 feet to 6 feetMinor traffic areas a 1.5 feet to 4 feetSeating between sofa and coffee table 1.5 feet to 2.5 feetAllow a minimum of 22 inches for chairs at a dining tableAllow a minimum of two feet for each person/chairThe dining table should be at least 3 feet from the wall It is customary to allow 5.5 feet to serve at the table. In other words if you are having a buffet and your guests bring their food in on a plate and sit down, then this additional space is not necessary. The same applies if you are serving "family style". This is the term used when the food is on the table and passed around. In these two instances, you need only be concerned with the 22 inch clearance for the chair, the two feet for each person/chair. However, if you expect your guests to be seated and served at their places, the 5.5 feet rule applies. Furniture with drawers require 3 feet from other furniture in order to open the drawers. There should be at least two feet between the side of a bed and the wall. This will allow for getting in and out of the bed and also allows space to make the bed. Here is a tip about beds. If you have canopy over the bed it will collect dust. Place a flat bed sheet over the canopy in such a way to cover it entirely but does not show. Then when you do your spring cleaning, simply remove the sheet "dust catcher", wash it and return it until the next deep cleaning. You will find this particularly important if your canopy is not washable. Even if it is washable, you don't want to have to remove and replace it. Designing Your Surroundings It is tempting to duplicate a look you find in a magazine or perhaps in someone else's home. Generally, this does not work out the way you would hope. Pictures in magazines are very valuable to getting ideas and evaluating what looks appealing or what doesn't. However, you must remember that a room must be comfortable to be used. It is ideal if you use every room in your house or apartment. We think we can "seal" off parts of our home and make them more formal for special occasions. The question however, is, "Why?" Unused space is expensive. It must be maintained on a regular basis. Plumbing must be used or the traps dry up. Most central air/heat systems are designed to circulate the air. If you interfere with that circulation by closing off a room or vents to a room, you won't be getting the maximum use of the system. You may even find that the system doesn't work properly. So, once again, the question, "Why?". Are you saving it in hopes that your son or daughter will come home again. Well, if they do, will that room suit them ever again? We all want a guest room that is kept perfectly ready for unexpected guests. This is generally a luxury that most modern homes can't afford. Does the room become the "junk" room or "catch all"? If you use the room regularly then the clutter won't stack up. Make it into a casual "sitting room". This could be a great idea if your home has the popular "great room" concept. The cozy sitting room is a welcome spot for reading or listening to music. Include a sofa that makes into a bed and you're set for guests. Just a few modifications to the room and it becomes a lovely suite for travelers. If you are fortunate enough to have a guest room, or a room that you can use for guests, be sure and test it from time to time. Make sure that it is comfortable and clean. Be sure everything works. Spend some time thinking about what you would want if you were staying there. Is there a convenient place for luggage? Is there a telephone, radio, TV paper and pencil by the phone for jotting down instructions or phone numbers? Leave useful information such as the telephone number for that phone, the street address and proper spelling of the street name. Are their power outlets for recharging cell phones and computers? Consider leaving a power strip for you guests to recharge everything at once without having to remove the lamp. The next time you are in a hotel, look around to see what amenities you find useful. Simple things like a shower cap or sewing kit can be very useful to your guests when they are passing through. Assemble an album with brochures of local spots of interest and write a history of your city. Include photos of you and your family at some the points of interest. Put out a few current magazines or a newspaper. Your guests may retire to their room, but may not be ready to go to sleep. Of one is waiting for the other spouse to finish in the bathroom. Casual reading material would be very welcome. As you know, sometimes when traveling you just can't unwind enough to get to sleep. You might have a deck of cards available too. If you can find a CD player that has an alarm clock or speakers for an mp3 player, your guests will feel right at home.

TABLE SETTINGS

What is a formal setting? The components that are required in a formal dinner setting have become impractical in modern times. Because they require a spacious facility and experienced, professional staff, they only still exist at formal state occasions. Think of it as a ceremonial performance with an elaborate setting, complex script, cast and wardrobe. That doesn't mean that you can't come close with a little less formality. One big difference is that the food is brought in from the kitchen on individual plates and served to each guest a course at a time. Thus, no serving dishes are placed on the table. If a dish is passed, it goes from guest to guest and either returned to the kitchen or placed on a side table. We will describe the elements that you must include to call it formal.You must have a table covering. Ideally, your table cloth should have a 12 inch drop all the way around. This means that there should be 12 inches from the edge of the table to the hem of the table cloth. The unfortunate complication of this is that your guests can get tangled in the cloth as it will hang in their laps. If you napkins match the cloth, it is easy to pick up the cloth thinking it is the napkin. Though it may be a little less attractive, Lady Virginia recommends a 8 to 10 inch drop as that will just brush the top of the lap when the guest is seated. You must have a centerpiece. This can be flowers, fruit or some ceramic piece. Resist the temptation to make too grand a centerpiece as it can be a distraction. Keep it low so your guests can easily see over it and feel comfortable talking with those across the table from them. Also, when selecting a centerpiece think about how appetizing it may or may not be. Don't bring in a bunch of things from outdoors that may have a strong smell or contain bugs or drop pieces on the cloth or in the food. Lady Virginia likes to have ceramic pieces. There are less surprises, she says. For added interest, place them on mirrors.You will place a service plate at each place. We'll stop a moment to explain these items as they are often misunderstood and misused. The service plate should be slightly larger than your dinner plate. The place in front of the guest should never be empty and a dirty plate is not replaced with the next course. There must be an empty plate at the guests place in between courses. Therefore, the service plate allows you to remove a dirty plate and put the plate with the next course on it. At the end of a course the dirty plate is removed, leaving the service plate in place. For example, the first course is placed on the service plate. It is removed and the soup bowl is placed on the service plate. Then when the soup is removed the service plate goes along with it and the entree is placed in front of the guest directly on the cloth. The entree is removed and the table crumbed before the desert is brought in. Dishes are served from the left and removed from the right. Candlesticks or candelabraDishes with sweets and nutsSalt and pepper at each place (or for every two guests)Place cardsNo bread and butter plates!Our example A shows a place set for a formal dinner with water, wine soup and shell fish on the menu. It is traditional to serve the salad after the entree, however, modern tastes prefer that the salad be served before the entree. Thus, you see the salad fork to the left of the meat fork in this case. This menu includes a shrimp cocktail. The cocktail fork is placed on the far right. It is the only fork that is placed on the right side of the plate. The desert utensils are at the top of the plate. Our example B is set for a fish course with the fish knife and fork and also has a soup course. We have added a menu card at each place. It gives your guests a preview of what will come. The coffee service is brought in and can be served at the table or the guests can withdraw to another room for coffee. It is acceptable for the ladies to go to the living room for coffee and the gentleman can remain at the table for conversation. Formal luncheon: A formal luncheon should be set on a bare table. There can be place mats or runners. There are no candles on a luncheon table and bread and butter plates are included on the table of a formal luncheon setting. The cloth napkin is smaller than the one used at a formal dinner. Depending on the weather you will probably find a clear soup served in cups. Our Example C (mistakenly shown on a cloth...gotta fix that) is set for a simple menu without soup. Notice that the napkin is slightly smaller than the dinner examples. Water and iced tea are being served and the spoon is on the table. Informal table setting: Most of us want to be able to honor our guests with a "formal" feeling but are limited both by space and experienced help. When the hostess goes to the trouble of preparing an elegant setting with silver, crystal and china the guests feel very special. It gives everyone an opportunity to dress up and feel pampered. You've seen us express this before, entertaining is a wonderful gift a lady can offer. Opening up our home for guests is a very personal thing. Most people appreciate being included for such an event and will cherish the memory for some time to come. Our example D shows how you can set a "formal" type table with modifications. Though you will not have sacrificed this being a special occasion. You will see that there is a bread and butter plate and a salad plate. A cream soup is on the menu and sparkling water will be the beverage during the meal. The salad and soup can be on the service plate when the guests are seated. It might be more practical to serve a cold soup in this case as it will be difficult to keep the soup hot while the guests are being seated. The hostess can have a serving table near her place. This serving table should have more than one level so that you can keep the used dishes separated from the fresh dishes. The hostess can place the used plates on the lower shelf of the serving table and serve the next course. The entree and vegetables can be passed around the table and each guest can serve himself or herself. Then the serving dishes are placed on the serving table. They are then available if someone wants a second helping. (This does not happen at a "formal" dinner). You may want to alter which side you start passing the food on. Otherwise, the same person will get the last choice each time. Remember, however, if you start them at the same time going around each side, they will cross at some point which is awkward for the guest that must balance two items at once. Family dining: Our Example E is very much like D but the hostess has chosen a more casual china. She is serving a salad with the meal and no soup course. This will allow her to have everything either on the table or at hand on the serving tray. She is serving iced tea and will have lemon and sweeteners on the table for the guests to help themselves. Though we call this a "family" setting, it can easily be used for your more informal entertaining. You see that though this is informal, it still suggests a "dressed up" event as you are using your sterling, china and crystal. Example F, G and H show you how you can make the coffee service something special. In another chapter, we will be giving you menu suggestions to match these different styles. For now, this will get you started and provides an alternative to paper plates! We've added this example of a dessert table set up in an adjoining room. Your guests can help themselves while the dining table is being cleared and coffee prepared. Allow plenty of room for them to walk around. They will have been seated for sometime during the meal and this allows them to stretch their legs while making their dessert choices.